Were you always more interested in the geological structure of Santa's grotto than his fake beard? Did you identify with the troll in the Billy Goats Gruff? Do you sometimes attempt to crawl into cupboards just to see if you can? If you are nodding your safety-helmeted head, then perhaps you should consider taking up caving - or seeing a counsellor…
Although it is important to learn safety procedures and potholing techniques, there is nothing too complicated about caving. It is, after all, about going underground, crawling around a bit and then coming out. And possibly going off to the pub. There are two main types of caving - horizontal and vertical. On horizontal trips, you will spend most of your time walking, crawling or crouching. On a vertical trip, you will be taught how to negotiate the upright areas of a cave - anything from a short climb to a deep abseil into a pothole.
Of course, you will need a little extra help to make sure that you are not left behind as fodder for future archaeologists. To go caving safely, you will need the right equipment. Caving outfits should be warm but not bulky - several tight layers are preferable to baggy jumpers - you can remove a layer if you get too hot. Bulky clothes are also bound to get wet and if you only have one layer then you will be forced to either suffer or get naked. Caving proponents are also fans of warms socks and spare underwear - presumably for those times when it all gets a bit too scary.
Safety equipment that you will need includes a helmet with a light, a backup torch, enough food and water in a weatherproof pack and a first aid kit. Bringing other people who know what they are doing is also a prerequisite - if your mobile phone doesn't work downstairs in your local nightclub then it is unlikely that you will be able to contact the emergency services from 50 feet underground.
Caving does involve a certain amount of masochism. You are likely to be cold, wet and moving very slowly through a space that appears to have been designed for Kylie Minogue's shorter, skinnier sister. However, there are advantages. Caving is the ultimate grudge match between you and Mother Nature. It's dark, it's dirty and you have to rely on your wits and basic desire to survive to be successful. This, of course, leads to a certain sense of smug satisfaction when you do manage it.
So if you think that you would like to feel the bats in your hair and the mud beneath your feet/fingernails/face then it could be the hobby for you... | 
