"I've got the ki, I've got the secret." Master Ueshiba preceded the Urban Cookie Collective with his boy-band good looks and his profound phraseology. He held that essence of aikido is the cultivation of ki, a vital force, an internal power and a mental/spiritual energy.

There are no competitions in aikido as it works on the principle that a real fight will always have an attacker and an attackee. The attacker is by definition over-reaching and is therefore off balance. In committing an act of aggression, he is really defeating himself. The problem is to help him to realise this, to help him see the error of his ways. You can explain with a series of joint locks and body throws.

Aikido training is of a cooperative rather than antagonistic nature. This means that there isn't a band of attackers waiting to jump out at you when you enter the dojo. Everyone takes turns in being the thrower (nage) and the throwee (uke). You work with your partner to optimise each other's experience. You save your real aggression for the situations that really warrant it - your sister's wedding, when strangers bite your arm.

When you are in aikido training, you will learn ukemi - the art of falling gracefully. To ensure you don't ukemi embarrassingly frequently, you will learn taisabaki, which involves body movement and balance-shifting exercises. To practically guarantee that you stay alive until the end of the session, you should also be taught various aikido techniques such as pins and throws.

Strangely for a martial art that forswears attacking, aikido can teach you how to use weapons such as the sword, knife and staff. Aikido masters say that weapons training is a way of facilitating understanding of the general principles of aikido movement and that weapons training is helpful for learning proper Maai, or distancing. However, going out with a machete in your pocket implies that you believe that your supermarket trip isn't going to be entirely without bloodshed. The law requires even the most spiritual Aikido followers to leave their pointy objects above the mantelpiece.

Aikido etiquette is the usual combination of subservience, wide-legged trousers and thanking the people that are hurting you. However, it is a lot cheaper than Miss Muriel's House of Domination...